My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
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My boss called in sick of me
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
My loaf of bread looks terrified
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.