If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
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*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Time for evil
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
12653.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.