Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
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[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams