Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
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My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
I am having an out of money experience.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.