Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
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Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Cow it started Cow it’s going
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball