bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
You Might Also Like
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities