Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
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Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Sooo many times…..
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.