I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
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Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *