When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
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A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit