ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
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*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Stop sending me this shit.