Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
You Might Also Like
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
#Caturday
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance