Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
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Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.