*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
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I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Haha! 😂
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Check your privilege
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
The 4 stages of a family vacation
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”