The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
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KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.