From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
I am a gravy boat captain