DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
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Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
They’re not wrong
Thursday
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*