Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
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If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend