Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
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I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.