Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
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“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.