I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
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*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?