Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
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old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
😂🤣😂🤣
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.