I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
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Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.