Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
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Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
They got Raph!
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby