bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
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“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
There are usually two types of merchants.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.