Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
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That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Did my cat write this
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?