Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
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I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
synchronized noseblowing
when nothing goes right… go left
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided