Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
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I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky