[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
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Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
✌🏽
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)