I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
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Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
your honor my client chooses dare
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
jesus christ confetti not now
Cause of death: Zumba
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place