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Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Boy never ceases to amaze me
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp