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Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
☠️☠️☠️
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads