I didn’t realize that was an option
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*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow