Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
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Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone