me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
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The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava