Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
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[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?