Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
You Might Also Like
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.