Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
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“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.