my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
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So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel