Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
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I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
*exercises sarcastically*
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.