Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
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My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
mom had nothing to worry about
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.