Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
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my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
oh you wanna fight?!