Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
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Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here鈥檚 another one.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
If you don鈥檛 agree with someone鈥檚 religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they鈥檒l absolutely change their minds
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
i like elevator conversations because i know there鈥檚 a time limit
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children鈥檚 book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I鈥檓 doing a book report on a book I didn鈥檛 read.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I鈥檓 tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they鈥檙e arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they鈥檙e going to leave a mess
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I 鉂わ笍 murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 馃敨 everyone
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you鈥檝e got plans to do something fun this weekend.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn鈥檛 you cheat on me