*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
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Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.