*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
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Given the memory span of a goldfish…
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.