Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
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When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.