Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
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ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
That 👊
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?