*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
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My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Woke up against my better judgment again
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
sleeping beauty
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”