“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
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What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.