I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
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*launders Kohls cash*
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
My blood type is b hungry.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?