Harsh but fair
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If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
A roof is a house hat.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…